He Continues to Heal My Broken Heart

A number of months have passed since my last post.  I continue to write to Savannah in my journal, but I have had a difficult time writing here.  A few weeks after Savannah’s due date, God touched my womb and blessed us with another pregnancy.  I am carrying Savannah’s twin brothers.  We are so incredibly thankful for the gift of more children.  I had actually been praying that God would restore to me twofold as he did for Job after he lost his children.  It’s funny how the Spirit leads you to pray in ways that you would not have prayed on your own.  I never thought I would want twins, but knowing that (if the Lord is willing) my arms will be full after such emptiness makes my heart overflow with joy and gratitude.

This pregnancy has been hard.  I knew that being pregnant again after losing our Savannah Girl would be hard.  I struggled with fear.  I was afraid that there would be no heartbeat on that first visit to the doctor.  I was afraid that I would have bleeding episodes again.  I was afraid that God would ask me to give up another child.   I was afraid that somehow Savannah would feel like she was being replaced.  I was afraid that I would never get to feel the babies kick.  I was afraid that my body would fail.  I was afraid that my love for these new babies wouldn’t be as strong as my love for Savannah.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t ever have another little girl. Some of these fears still surface, but God has been so gentle and kind to me during this time.  He surrounds me with peace and has placed such loving family and friends in our lives who continue to pray for our children.   If I’ve learned anything through losing my baby girl, it is that God really is enough for me.  I am so thankful that he helped me to finally grasp the understanding of that promise.  However, I don’t ever want to go through that pain again.  He knows that.  He knows where I am and he knows that I am still sometimes afraid.  He loves me anyway and helps me to keep walking with him.  Do you know how wonderful our Father is?

As for my fears, some of them are real.  On the first office visit, there was no heartbeat because it was too early in the pregnancy to detect one.  But, we had the incredible blessing of seeing two gestational sacs-our first clue that I might be pregnant with twins!  A week later, there were two healthy heartbeats, praise God.

I did have a few bleeding episodes.  After one episode, about 9 weeks along, we even had to return to the very same ultrasound room in the hospital where we were the night we learned that our Savannah’s precious heart had stopped beating.  That was honestly one of the most traumatic days for us.  We both were white with fear while we waited to see if the ultrasound tech could detect our babies’ heartbeats.  God was there, and he held us close.  This time, we were relieved to see that our babies were still okay.

I am still struggling with the fear that God might choose to take another one or both of my children home.  I have to give this over to him often.  Any parent who has been through this before knows the reality that none of us are promised tomorrow.  But, we have the opportunity to practice our faith that God is doing his good and perfect will-even when it hurts.  We have to trust his plan for our children and rest in the assurance of eternal life with our little ones in heaven.

I still fear that Savannah will be forgotten.  Not by me, but by her family.  I am afraid that her brothers won’t want to know about her.  I am afraid that our families will stop talking about her.  I am afraid that her memory will be shoved aside.  My heart couldn’t stand it!  Now that I am pregnant again, I have been hearing such statements as, “You are going to be a great mom.” Or, to both Blake and me, “You will make wonderful parents.”  But I already AM a mom! We already ARE parents! I became a mother in August of 2011.  We began loving Savannah with a fierce love from the moment we learned she was in my womb.  I know the comments are well-intended but they do sting.  Parents don’t stop being parents just because their baby is no longer here on earth.  I’ll never stop being Savannah’s mom.  I heard a quote recently that says, “The most difficult time to be a parent is when you have no child to hold.”  I am trusting in God to help me with these fears too.

I just knew that at least one of my sweet babies was another little girl.  We had already decided on her name.  I was truly shocked on the day we learned that two baby boys are growing inside of me.  I didn’t realize how much of my healing was coming from imagining another little girl.  I thought that somehow if I could do some of the things I never got the chance to do with Savannah Girl, that I would feel reconnected to her again.  I still hope for another little girl some day, but God has helped me to embrace my two baby boys.  He reminded me that he created these boys for his purposes.  Our children aren’t our accessories.  We don’t go to the store and pick out boy or girl, blonde or brunette, blue or brown eyes.  They are a gift from the Lord and HE creates them exactly the way he wants them to be.  My boys were boys the moment they were conceived and it wasn’t a surprise just because I had to wait 15 weeks to find that out.

I am falling in love with these boys more every day.  At just 14 weeks, God gave me the gift of being able to feel their movements.  As they are growing bigger and stronger, these movements can be very uncomfortable but I wouldn’t trade the privilege of feeling them for anything.  We have reached the milestone of the third trimester and I am so thankful.  I pray that God allows them to stay safe inside of me until they are strong enough to survive in the world.  I can’t wait to hold them in my arms and hear their cries.  I can’t wait to tell them about their big sister in heaven.  I can’t wait to teach them about the mighty God who created them.  I can’t wait to rock them and sing to them.  I even look forward to being up in the night with them.  (Remind me that I said that when they get here.)

If you are reading this post and you are still waiting for God to fill your empty arms, don’t lose hope.  I am praying with you.  I still don’t understand God’s timing at all.  I don’t know why some couples can get pregnant on the first try and others have to wait so long.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Keep going before the Lord with your heartache and desires.  He hears you every time and he never tires of you.  He loves you and he has good plans for you.